fourteen (response for K.B.) Second Draft

I'm trying to allude to something in the final stanza that I don't think is clear. I listened to a dharma talk where a zen master spoke about hope as being the biggest stumbling block for westerner's practices. Not hope for something specifically, but the general sense that I would be happier, if only...

And Zen is about letting go of hope--all hope--to live fully in the present moment. I'm worried that the poem comes across as being about hope for something specific. The letting go that I'm concerned about is the letting go of hope for anything other than what is. Does that come through, or does it need an explanation? Obviously any poem that needs too much explanation doesn't work. I realize things are open to subjective interpretation. That's part of what I love about poetry. But I don't want the general intention to get lost in the specific words. So:


Fourteen (Response for K.B.)

I wonder sometimes
if it’s something you fought for?
Your joy, your love--
so many years, gone on,
so many years, to love,
and never wonder:
what if?

I wonder sometimes:
because to love
with such abandon
would be something else.

We were fourteen once.
We never even kissed.
You were right:
it was the start of something,
the First. The Last.

You let go first.

So what if
I died that winter?
It wasn’t your fault;
it was fate.

And everything since then
is coming back to life.

It’s slow but it’s worth it.
Alive again,
beyond expectation,
beyond hope.

That awful,
clinging hope.
And finally,
the letting go.

Charles Imbelli 2010